What is SEX?

As promised, back to the good ol' sex topic. Sex is one of our favourite things, and so it definitely should be talked about as often as possible. For women, the ability to talk about sex has often been in the abstract - for example, in discussing the characters sex lives on Sex and the City, or chatting about their own friends sex lives while carefully leaving their own out of it. For men, they are more than happy to talk about the physical aspects of it, especially involving themselves; but rarely put it in any other context: i.e, what does it mean? 

So today, I am going to talk about sex from a purely relationship standpoint, and what exactly constitutes sex for it to be considered cheating. I will leave out concepts of emotional cheating, but I do hope to address them in the future. I will also assume that cheating in the context of a relationship is a bad thing and I am not considering people who may have "alternative" lifestyles: i.e. swingers, polygamous, multiamourous, and others.  

Everything of a physical sexual nature is cheating:  This school of thought flows from the current cultural view that your spouse should be your one and only and that said spouse should be able to meet your sexual needs. It means that while, say, fantasizing about kissing someone is OK, actually kissing someone is not.

This line is very easy to define, which may be why it is popular. Hugging someone is OK. Kissing them on the cheek is OK. Kissing them on the mouth is not, groping someone is not, any oral, vaginal, anal, digital sex is not OK. Talking dirty on the phone is cheating. Talking dirty on the computer (to someone else) is cheating. Paying for a prostitute is cheating. Going to watch strippers is inappropriate and shouldn't be done, but as long as you are just going with your friends for a pre-wedding party or boys/girls night out party and you sit in the back, it's not cheating. 

Flirting, in this line of thought, is cheating. If you are in a committed relationship, then you should not be flirting with others. the only real grey areas in this package are things like one on one non-physical contact with others. This means that some people may consider it cheating to go for supper with someone of the opposite sex cheating, regardless of purpose (that is to say, if it is a business supper, there should be more than 2 people there). This can be grey because there are some work situations where those situations are unavoidable; but the main thought is that the person should not be putting themselves in the position where something could happen. 

Only genital penetrative sex is cheating: At the other extreme, we have people who genuinely believe that only if a penis goes into a vagina (or, if gay, a penis goes into an anus; if lesbian, if a finger or tongue goes into a vagina) can it be considered cheating. Everything else, while it may not be appropriate, is not cheating. Instead, it's comparable to using the partner's credit card without asking. 

This line is also clear, and may be why some people like it. Reference has to be given to Bill Clinton and his " I did not have sexual relations with that woman, Miss Lewinsky", comment, and how he justified it later by saying that oral sex is not sex. This attitude was expounded by articles published in Oprah's magazine, among others, maintaining that kids today have oral sex all the time and do not consider it sex. (Here, I will take leave to point out that I really think those articles were flawed and inaccurate, at best). 

This line of thought is held often because people who hold it believe that it is an accurate depiction of human sexual behaviour. People flirt all the time, they may kiss, they feel each other up, but it is not sex. They may still feel that such behaviour is inappropriate, but not wrong, not cheating. Cheating is a breakupable offense; those other actions are not. Getting or giving a blow job or eating or being eaten is not cheating, and hand job or getting fingered (if straight) is not cheating, phone sex is not cheating, cybersex is not cheating. 

What I think: The thing that always strikes me about this topic is that people always seem to have two sets of rules. One set for themselves and one set for their partners. They may think, for themselves, that oral sex with someone is not sex; but for their partners, kissing someone is. I have also noticed that the men and women have different definitions for men and women. As an example, men tend to consider receiving oral sex not cheating for men, but women giving it is cheating. Women tend to see it the other way: a man getting oral sex is cheating but women giving it is not. The best definition that I have come up with, for men and women,  is pants. If the pants stay on, done up, and nothing outside goes in them, then it's not cheating. Inappropriate and still worthy of a good discussion, yes, but not cheating. On the other hand, oral sex of any kind is cheating, anal sex of any kind is cheating, digital sex is cheating, but kissing someone, rubbing them outside their clothes, or sucking on nipples is not sex. Cyber sex I don't really think is cheating because you really don't know who is out there; phone sex is because you do know who you are talking to (but probably not that big a deal). Strippers, male or female, whatever happens there (subject to the aforementioned pants rule in place) is not cheating. Any financial transaction related to the action lessens the "cheating" impact. It does not remove it: paying for sex is still cheating. 

How I relate: My wife and I talk about this often, because it is a fun thing to talk about; and that was where I really noticed the different rules for men and women. From conversations with my own friends (and some people would even consider talking about sex like that to be inappropriate)  I noticed it more. I haven't has a chance to talk as much with my gay friends about it, but I have thought that because it is so difficult for some people to come out of the closet that their rules must be different. 

The other part of how I relate is, of course, personal actions. I have kissed other people since I've been with my wife, and so has she; we've both been in some "touchy" situations. What is important about those things is that we have talked about them - communicated and dealt with why we both did what we did. I truly believe alcohol lessens the impact of the actions, because many people do things that they wouldn't do when sober - present company included, but I try to watch that more now. Like any situation, it is important to set ground rules out. communicate them, and recognize that things change over time. Maybe when you were 18 you had one idea of what cheating was, but when you were 60 you had a different idea altogether.  

Let's all Vote!

Ah, the fall election season. Not the American election; although I am following it, I have no say in it so I really can't comment much more on it. No, I am talking about the Canadian federal election - the election that we are all so looking forward to; and we will all be lining up to vote in. And I'm not talking about who to vote for, but the act of filling out that X in general. So this post, while I haven't forgotten the promised posts on adultery and forgiveness, will be about voting. 

Everyone should always vote: Voting is not just a privilege; it is a right that must be exercised. If it is not exercised then a mockery is made of democracy - and we can't have that. The right to self determination in a country is one of the most important rights we have, and if we ignore that right, then we could lose all our rights. To be a citizen in a modern democracy is to vote; all other rights extend from this basic right. 

But moving beyond civic duty, there is also some personal, pragmatic reasons for voting. How can anyone claim credit for government policy you agree with; or condemn policy you disagree with; if you don't vote? How can you complain about gay marriage when you never voted? Or applaud "tough on crime" initiatives? Or even complain about municipal taxes and road conditions? Voting gives us legitimate bitching power. 

And lastly, there is the "how many people died for our way of Life" argument, which flows something like: our soldiers are dying in Afghanistan (Iraq, Germany, France, China, Rwanda, whatever) so but not voting they are dying for no reason. They are willing to give their lives to protect our way of life and to help other countries gain democracy, so not voting is like telling our soldiers that their lives are worthless to us.   

Voting has no point: One vote, one person. That's a great system. It's a guarantee that my vote won't count for anything - because there has never been an overall election decided by one vote. Ever. And if there was, it would be disputed. And you can't argue that "If everyone voted" because if everyone voted, then individual votes would matter even less. (statistically: 1 of out of a million has more relevance than one out of 5 million, and so on). 

And there is absolutely no candidate who can possibly represent me. I may agree with Harper on the economy but Dion on social policy, Layton on crime and May on the environment. And what would my vote mean anyway? Am I voting for the leader, the party, or the individual candidate? What if I like the candidate but not the party? Or the leader and not the candidate? There is no real way that my vote can be interpreted rationally.

If you combine all that with the fact that most people don't even follow the election anyways, it is better that people who don't care don't vote. An uneducated vote is much worse than no vote. 

What I think: I think that voting is a necessary evil. It doesn't really tell anyone what a nation is feeling; and there will always be winners with far less than a majority of the popular vote. So the Canadian system, while far from perfect, does represent the people fairly well, the leader of the country has always had far less votes than they should have had. democracy is the worst system of government out there - except for all the others. I disagree with Australian type systems where you are required by law to vote - but it does have a certain appeal. 

How I relate: I vote. I try to vote in every election, from civic to federal. Those citizenship lessons must have sunk in a bit. I don't think that I am really making a difference, but I do like to complain and I feel that voting gives me the right to do so. I also encourage others to do so, even when I know that they probably won't be bothered to. I wish that we had some type of proportional representation system - that would likely get more people out to vote because they would genuinely feel that their vote can make a difference.

So get out there and Vote! I'll write about sex again next time.  And I have unofficially set myself goals of 4 posts a month - so expect 2 more this month. I hope. 

 

Affairs

This post is somewhat connected to an earlier post, the one on marriage. I title it "affairs" because affairs applies more to committed relationships; if it's not serious and committed, then it's just screwing around, or possibly cheating. I think that if it is not a committed relationship, then who cares? Or if you are under 20, then lives with it - it's going to happen; either you will cheat, or your b/g friend will cheat on you. But it won't matter because you are too young have have any relevant feelings.

I should specify here that I am discussing affairs within the context of relationships where such actions are not acceptable in said relationship. There are some relationships - swingers being an easy example - where sex outside of the primary relationship is acceptable. I should also mention I am strictly considering sexual affairs - I don't really believe in emotional affairs. No matter what Oprah says. 

Affairs are bad: If you are committed to a person, you should be committed fully. And that means keeping you pants on. You should communicate with your partner, and work together to deal with any issues you have - and you should not be looking outside the relationship for sexual fulfillment. If you have sexual issues, should should try to work them out; if you can't, then you should end the relationship. 

The whole point of monogamous relationships is to be monogamous. If you break that trust, then the whole relationship is in jeopardy. You should also accept that people do have different sex drives, and that they change over time; and that people physically change over time. Including yourself. If the relationship is worth the effort you have put into to, then don't risk it by screwing around! 

The human condition in the west is monogamous relationships. This is both religious based and culturally based and legally based; people generally should try to conform to the social mores of their situation. This is doubly so for those who are married - why even both getting married, making a commitment only to break it? If you want to fight the social mores of your time and place, fine - but don't expect others to be okay with it. 

Affairs are fine: Why should you stay "faithful" to someone if they are no longer are attractive to you sexually? When you made the commitment to the person, they were a different person, and so were you. Maybe people change, but it doesn't mean you have to like it - and if you like muscular guys or girls with big tits and your spouse isn't like that any more, then you should be able to get what you want without feeling bad about it. 

Maybe the perceived social more is monogamy, but the reality is that , depending on whose stats you believe, 50% of all people will cheat on their significant others. So the reality is that people do it and people don't do it - neither one is wrong. And if society can change so that far less people are getting married, then it can change for monogamy as well. 

We live in an age of instant gratification; and there is sex every where. TV, internet, movies, videos, malls, schools, you name, there is sex. And lots of people just want sex and their spouses, for whatever reason, don't do it for them anymore. When it is just a phone call or email away (just look at Craigslist for examples), it is OK to do it. And if no one finds out, as is often the case, then no one gets hurt but people get happy. 

Where I stand (or sleep, as the case may be): I think that if you are in a monogamous relationship then you owe it to your partner to try to keep it that way. For many people, I understand that sometimes the "spark" has left, and people become preoccupied with kids and their daily lives; but that is no reason to start screwing other people. It may be reason to have a some discussion with them about what the new expectations are of the relationship - and if there is serious disagreement on things like frequency of sex, then options do need to be discussed. 

By this, I mean that, if sex is very important to one partner and considerably less to the other ( and here, I mean a huge difference - like one person wants it once a month, the other 3 -4 times a week) then something has to be worked out. If that means one person gets to have a fuck buddy on the side, then so be it. If it means that intercourse is only monthly but oral sex is weekly, then so be it. If sex is an integral part of the relationship - and that aspect changes unilaterally -  then neither party will be happy and that will lead to more problems. Perhaps the only outcome is splitting up, but that would happen anyway. 

On the other hand, if it is a small difference, like one doesn't want to perform oral sex every time, or one wants sex twice weekly and the other 3 times - then work it out. That is not justification for cheating. I do find the existence of agencies like "Ashley Madison" interesting and, over time, there may be a shift in cultural mores.   

How I relate: As I mentioned before, I am married, and as such, I have been "tempted". By that, I mean that I have seen people that I have found attractive and have wanted to have sex with - and some of them may actually have been interested in sleeping with me. I haven't though; and sometimes I've really wanted to. I also worry about my spouse - I know she has been attracted to other people, and I know I would react poorly if I found out she had been having an affair. But I trust so far she hasn't - even if she has had the means, motive, and oppourtunity to do so. 

This post has got me thinking about a few other things I think I will touch on in the next few posts. I feel a post on "what is sex? or what is cheating?" would be a good topic; and "should you forgive someone who has cheated on you" would as well.