Affairs

This post is somewhat connected to an earlier post, the one on marriage. I title it "affairs" because affairs applies more to committed relationships; if it's not serious and committed, then it's just screwing around, or possibly cheating. I think that if it is not a committed relationship, then who cares? Or if you are under 20, then lives with it - it's going to happen; either you will cheat, or your b/g friend will cheat on you. But it won't matter because you are too young have have any relevant feelings.

I should specify here that I am discussing affairs within the context of relationships where such actions are not acceptable in said relationship. There are some relationships - swingers being an easy example - where sex outside of the primary relationship is acceptable. I should also mention I am strictly considering sexual affairs - I don't really believe in emotional affairs. No matter what Oprah says. 

Affairs are bad: If you are committed to a person, you should be committed fully. And that means keeping you pants on. You should communicate with your partner, and work together to deal with any issues you have - and you should not be looking outside the relationship for sexual fulfillment. If you have sexual issues, should should try to work them out; if you can't, then you should end the relationship. 

The whole point of monogamous relationships is to be monogamous. If you break that trust, then the whole relationship is in jeopardy. You should also accept that people do have different sex drives, and that they change over time; and that people physically change over time. Including yourself. If the relationship is worth the effort you have put into to, then don't risk it by screwing around! 

The human condition in the west is monogamous relationships. This is both religious based and culturally based and legally based; people generally should try to conform to the social mores of their situation. This is doubly so for those who are married - why even both getting married, making a commitment only to break it? If you want to fight the social mores of your time and place, fine - but don't expect others to be okay with it. 

Affairs are fine: Why should you stay "faithful" to someone if they are no longer are attractive to you sexually? When you made the commitment to the person, they were a different person, and so were you. Maybe people change, but it doesn't mean you have to like it - and if you like muscular guys or girls with big tits and your spouse isn't like that any more, then you should be able to get what you want without feeling bad about it. 

Maybe the perceived social more is monogamy, but the reality is that , depending on whose stats you believe, 50% of all people will cheat on their significant others. So the reality is that people do it and people don't do it - neither one is wrong. And if society can change so that far less people are getting married, then it can change for monogamy as well. 

We live in an age of instant gratification; and there is sex every where. TV, internet, movies, videos, malls, schools, you name, there is sex. And lots of people just want sex and their spouses, for whatever reason, don't do it for them anymore. When it is just a phone call or email away (just look at Craigslist for examples), it is OK to do it. And if no one finds out, as is often the case, then no one gets hurt but people get happy. 

Where I stand (or sleep, as the case may be): I think that if you are in a monogamous relationship then you owe it to your partner to try to keep it that way. For many people, I understand that sometimes the "spark" has left, and people become preoccupied with kids and their daily lives; but that is no reason to start screwing other people. It may be reason to have a some discussion with them about what the new expectations are of the relationship - and if there is serious disagreement on things like frequency of sex, then options do need to be discussed. 

By this, I mean that, if sex is very important to one partner and considerably less to the other ( and here, I mean a huge difference - like one person wants it once a month, the other 3 -4 times a week) then something has to be worked out. If that means one person gets to have a fuck buddy on the side, then so be it. If it means that intercourse is only monthly but oral sex is weekly, then so be it. If sex is an integral part of the relationship - and that aspect changes unilaterally -  then neither party will be happy and that will lead to more problems. Perhaps the only outcome is splitting up, but that would happen anyway. 

On the other hand, if it is a small difference, like one doesn't want to perform oral sex every time, or one wants sex twice weekly and the other 3 times - then work it out. That is not justification for cheating. I do find the existence of agencies like "Ashley Madison" interesting and, over time, there may be a shift in cultural mores.   

How I relate: As I mentioned before, I am married, and as such, I have been "tempted". By that, I mean that I have seen people that I have found attractive and have wanted to have sex with - and some of them may actually have been interested in sleeping with me. I haven't though; and sometimes I've really wanted to. I also worry about my spouse - I know she has been attracted to other people, and I know I would react poorly if I found out she had been having an affair. But I trust so far she hasn't - even if she has had the means, motive, and oppourtunity to do so. 

This post has got me thinking about a few other things I think I will touch on in the next few posts. I feel a post on "what is sex? or what is cheating?" would be a good topic; and "should you forgive someone who has cheated on you" would as well.