Should you forgive someone who has cheated on you?

This is the last post that I alluded to in my earlier posts; I think it should be a good topic. Since I dealt with the definition of cheating in an earlier post as well, I won't dwell on that too much, although it can be relevant. What I will assume that cheating is whatever you define it to be. That will keep the posts consistent.

Kick the cheater out: This school of thought stems from the belief that the relationship it self is near sacred; and a betrayal must then lead to the end of the relationship on those terms. Because the relationship is defined as not having the extra-curricular activity in it, the relationship must end. 

This is a very common way for relationships to end - with one person cheating on the other. It is in the wedding vows (you and no other) as well as being an important part of religious dogma. For many people, this is the reason to get married and divorced. If you assume that fidelity is part a marriage, then you must then assume that lack of fidelity negates the marriage. 

There a good number of smaller backups for this reasoning. You don't want your kids seeing that. You want to know that the kids you are raising are yours - the genetic argument, more applicable to men than women, but still relevant in the context of blended families. Self esteem is another reason; if you know your spouse is getting satisfied elsewhere, then what good are you? And why are you supporting them? 

Everyone deserves another chance: This could be considered a christian point of view: turn the other cheek. It also perhaps recognizes the humanity in all of us - if we are all weak, then we should be forgiven for succumbing to our weaknesses. Once anyways. Some people may hold that you should be forgiven an infinite number of times. 

Another way of looking at this perspective is that it is not the cheating itself that causes the problem, but the knowledge of it. In the event that there is no knowledge, there is no problem; and if this is true, then perhaps additional chances, once knowledge is gained, is not only worthwhile but practical. 

Finally, this perspective is often taken by people who believe that even though they do not like that their partner has cheated, they have as well. Or maybe they know that they would cheat, given the oppourtunity; or that they want to cheat and this gives them a "get out of jail free card". Or, perhaps, they may be reliant on the other person for material goods, in the case of poorer people with richer spouses. And there is always the fear that the people who said that you would never last will be proven right - and that can't happen. 

Left out of the arguments: I deliberately left out the "it was just sex" argument because it could fit into both sides.  The "dump them" side can argue that if it was just sex, then why did you do it? The give them a chance side can argue that infidelity is usually an indication of other underlying problems that need to be dealt with, and the cheating was just a symptom and therefor not grounds to end it. 

Where I stand: I stand firmly on the side of forgiveness. Not firmly, really, because I think it would depend on the exact circumstances, but I think that it is an underlying issue not a main one. This is connected to the "what is sex" blog, because it is probably easier to forgive kissing someone else that outright penetrative sex with them. I do believe that people can get through issues like this without it destroying the relationship, but that it can be a slow process to rebuild. 

How I relate: As I mentioned in the other post, I have been in the compromising positions as has my spouse; and we've been able to work through them or get past them, whatever language you prefer. This is why I fall on the forgiveness side. I think that there are definite cases, where cheating is regular that it does warrant a split, and sometimes people just don't want to forgive. The biggest problem that people suffer from is that the betrayal aspect of it very hard to forgive - no matter what people like to think of themselves. 

Well, I don't know what I'll be talking about now. I'll think of something I'm sure, and there are still many aspects of sexuality that I haven't even touched on.